I felt like a cartoon character as I strolled up the drive at home where I grew up. I headed for the utility entrance which wasn't locked but had the chain on. No problem I slipped my hands inside and easily took it off. To my right there was a frozen hamster (aka Champagne) who fell off the wheel at a touch. To my left were my footie boots which I quickly polished then looked in the chest freezer. The half cow from 30 years ago was still there like the washing in the machine at the end of the corridor. I swiftly moved into the kitchen and raided the sweet draw I shared with my brothers before removing all of the out of date products from the fridge. Checked the sink where there was only an orange Le Creuset dish with a whole onion in from last nights soup.

I turned around and realised that I had to make Dad his packed lunch so I buttered some crackers and topped them with cheddar cheese and loads of HP sauce. I added a few raw garlic cloves for good measure and he told me I was useless and could do better.

I walked into the lounge where Tina Turner  was playing from the night before. It stunk of cigars so I opened all the windows to get some fresh air in. There was chewing gum still on the sofa from a recent party.

Off into the hallway I checked my face mug for coins but only stamps. I didn't spend too long in the bathroom as it wasn't to my decor. Into the dining room and I see the monkey tree which is now blocking off the view to the White Horse and the table is still broken from where “Chubbs” rudely belly flopped on it.

Into Mum's room where she's drinking red wine (even though it is 8am) and my brother is looking on in complete innocence.

Moving into the spare room and the whole room smells of this deep burning orange candle which I believe was for my other brothers asthma.

Heading upstairs I go to the games room, where there is a better view of the Whitehorse, and play pool with Grandad which I comfortably win, only to realise that 4 of my red balls had been thrown through the wall in my room. So off we go in there, nothing much to report other than my mates are smoking weed on the garage roof having escaped evil Edna (aka Grandma) via the open window.

Quickly downstairs and out into the garden via the patio doors (which were never locked). Took a quick scoot around the gardens - still bald patches between the two trees which we used as goalposts and I can see random footballs in the neighbours gardens. Checked the orchard and shed and took a few raspberries to keep me going then back inside.

Straight through to the hallway where there are loads of shoes piled up. I can see that the key is left in the door but I'd thought I'd leave it there to ensure that we got burgled sometime soon.

Through to the small room and my brothers are on the Nintendo. The phone rings and get's answered “***** ***737, David speaking”. God only knows.

I went outside and saw the rusty Nissan Micro, there was no petrol in it so assume it will be late on its next journey again.

Anyway, another mate has pulled up in his Renault 5 GT Turbo and as we move down the driveway I can see the two girls next door playing naked in the paddling pool but I don't take much notice. On our way to my friends house for sugary tea, bacon sandwiches and cigarettes I see all my schoolwork has been thrown into the street. 

Feeling satisfied we move and stop at the garage. My mini is still there and the garage owner encourages me to sell it for £25 which I oblige to. We bump into colleague and talk about life at Betty's before heading down the high street and been bitten by a dog on the back of my leg